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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed  couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We havespecial requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for  two  weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had  to  sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.""Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"the young  man replied sadly. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage  of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"  stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Kmart anymore either."

A man goes into the doctor's office and he says to the doctor, "Doctor, I'm having this terrible problem. You see, I keep farting all the time. Day and night, I can't stop! It's awful! Luckily, they're the silent kind and don't smell so no one knows it's me. Anyway, you gotta help me doc!" "Alright," Says the doctor, "I'll tell you what we're gonna do... first we are going to get your hearing checked. Then we'll fix your nose."

A man from the city, moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with my friends after work." The farmer then says, “I gotta warn you, there may be fighting too.” The man replies, "That's O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin. As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's just going to be the two of us."

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Two men were driving down a country road when suddenly a rabbit came bounding through the fields and ran right in front of their car. The driver slammed on his brakes, but not in time. The passenger jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well, do something. I can't believe you hit him." The driver said, "Don't worry. I can help him." He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The rabbit instantly raises its head. He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves again. He did this until he was out of sight. The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent Wave for Damaged Hair."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in hispocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A woman is laying naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet, takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just the painter! "

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar wiping a glass. Thinking he's seeing things, he rubs his eyes and looks again. It's still a horse. "Excuse me" he says to the horse, "Am I going crazy or are you a horse?" "Yep, I'm a horse all right." The bartender replied. "THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy!!! The man says,"When did the Cow sell the place?"

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little prick sitting on your knee!"

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?" The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. "ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?" "We're taking TWA," the man replies. "TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?" The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot." "That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?" The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope." "HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!" A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!" "No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!" "Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described." "No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were o overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!" "Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!" "Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?" "Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. "Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

A little boy asks his father what the difference between theory and reality. "Well, his father replies, go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives next-door, for a million dollars." When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said they would." "Well son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two whores."

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool" Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Faggot!!"

Twin brothers were born. As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled,
cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled-you name it. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old. Years and years later, the other twin-who had lead an exemplary-died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89. So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, "Look, I know my twin brother didn't lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it's okay with you, I'd really like to take one last look at him." "Certainly, my son," St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other! "I don't get it," the man said, "what kind of punishment is that?" "Ah," said St. Peter, "don't be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, and the girl . . . "

Three Alzheimer's patients walk in to a doctor's office.The doctor calls in the first one, and asked a bunch of info about himself.Then he asked him,"OK, what's 5 plus 5?" He answers, "That's easy...37." The doctor says ok and tells him to send in the next patient. He comes in a minute later.The doctor asks him all of his info.Then he asks him, "What's 5 plus 5?" He answers, "Simple...Thursday." The doctor nods and tells him to send in the final patient. He comes in and sits down. The doctor asks him all of his personal info.Then he also asks him,"What's 5 plus 5?" He answer,"Man, that's easy...it's 10."The doctor says, "That's good, now how did you get that?" The patient said, "Well, I just subtracted 37 from Thursday."

A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and
getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a walk. After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed
several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?" The koala bear immediately replied yes. "Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked. "Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York experience," said the bear with a grin on his face. The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you going?" The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go. "I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!" The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for sex?" The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in the dictionary, look it up." The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to chuckle and asked for her money. The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you look up the word koala bear?" The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!" The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves."

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy." The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy? The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Saab, Dad. YOU have to live with it!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bagof money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her intothe president's office (the customer is always right!).The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto hisdesk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying somuch cash around.Where did you get this money?" The old ladyreplied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"The old woman said,well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that yourballs are square.""Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never winthat kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?""Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!"The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?""Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side toside, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more about them.  As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale.  The pharmacist replied, why yes, we have them three for a dollar. Johnny replied, I'll take three then.  When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents.  Johnny said, wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were three for a dollar. The pharmacist
replied... that's the tax we put on them. Little Johnny said, oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves.

Guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking for a few minutes he asks her name. She replies Carmen, and he says that's one of his favorite names. He asks if her mother named her and she says that she actually changed her name to Carmen. When he asked why, she replied because she likes cars and men. She then asked his name, to which he replied, "Beerfuck."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman."Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says."That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and  crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and  was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says,"Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it... I'm outta here... I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman."Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband."Ours is prettier," says the wife.

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died.Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers."God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive!When he got home he apologized to his wife."I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY", the wife yelled"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies, "He's a midget."

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said "I want to know the person you hate the most" The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?""I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount.""OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion" "I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish" The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

Two woman were riding bikes together when it started to get dark outside. A little nervous about getting lost, one says to the other, "Helga, I'm a little concerned, I've never come this way before."  Helga replied, "Don't worry, it's just the Cobblestones."

A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret!The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!""Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist.""Well, how about the third set?" She asks.The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."

NOAH'S ARK....IF IT HAPPENED TODAY ! And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an ark. "Okay" said Noah trembling with fear and fumbling withj the blueprints. "Six months and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the ark completed or learn to swim for a very long time!" Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. And there was no ark. "Noah" shouted the Lord "where is the ark?" "Lord please forgive me" begged Noah "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark construction projectk, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all of my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No" said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"

DAD CAN I BORROW THE CAR ?: A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister if they could discuss his use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back again and asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, why even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

There was a Christian lady that had to do alot of traveling for her business so she did alot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he chuckled a bit and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there, do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do, its the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He then asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I'll ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked rather sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. God looks down on earth and decides He's had enough. With a crack of thunder, He summons to heaven the three most powerful men on earth, Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. "Gentlemen" says God "I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people." With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to earth. Bill Clinton calls together his cabinet and tells them: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is there IS a God. The bad news is He's really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week." Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and said: "Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there really IS a God. The worse news is that He's very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week." Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is that we don't have to fix Windows 98."

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied "A million years to me is just like a single second to you." The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God smiled and replied "Certainly, just a second."

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bears on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose. The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact he was hunting on a Sunday morning), prayed "God, if you will make this bear a Christian, I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life." The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across from the huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about 5 minutes they just sat and stared at eachother. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BBBIIIIGGGGGGG trouble!!!!!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BBBIIIIGGGGGGG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God and asks if this is it. God says no, she has another 30 - 40 years to live. She recovers. She decides upon recovery to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, and so forth. She figures since she's got another 30 - 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation, gets hit by an ambulance, and dies. Ba-boom she's dead and back in heaven. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had 30 - 40 more years?" God says back, "I didn't recognize you!"

Sam was a preacher, but golf was his passion. It had rained every weekend for a month and he was dying to play a round. Sunday was the first sunny day in weeks. So he called his head deacon and told him an emergency had called him away. Church would have to be cancelled. He realized he couldn't play at a local course - someone might recognize him - so he drove two counties away and teed up on a course he'd never played before. Meanwhile, St. Peter was watching Sam from heaven. He called the angel on weekend duty and said "I've got a preacher who cancelled church to play golf. Come here and administer appropriate punishment." The angel appeared as Sam was teeing off on hole 4, par 3. The ball lofted and landed precisely in the hole. "You gave him a hole-in-one?" Peter asked incredulously. "You call that punishment?" "Yes", the angel replied. "Who can he tell?"

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