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One Liners

What do you call a 400 pound woman who likes both men and women? A bisexual built for 2.

What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men know about women."

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his donger on the counter. The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!" The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

What did the blonde say when she woke up under the cow? What are you guys still doing here?

A kid and his grandfather were sitting on the porch swing. Gramps lit up a cigarette, and the kid looked at him and said, "Can I have one of those?" Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The kid said, "Nope." Gramps replied, "Then you ain't old enough." A little while later, Gramps popped open a beer.The kid asked, "Can I have one of those?" Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The kid said, "Nope." Gramps said, "Then you ain't old enough." A little later, the kid came out of the house with some cookies and milk. Gramps asked, "Can I have one of those?" The kid replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Gramps said, "Yep!" The kid said, "Then go fuck yourself, 'cause Grandma said these were mine!"

What is the difference between a golf ball and a "g spot"? A man will take 30 minutes to find a golf ball.

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20." He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She said, "Yeah." He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

"If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?"

What would you say if you woke up and had a ball on each cheek? Nothing, you would have a mouthful of dick!

Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet? Because it does not need to be cleaned!

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? They both like a tight seal.

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion. The man says, "I'm celebrating in a way." The bartender asks the man what he's celebrating. The man smiles and says, "Today I just got my first Blowjob." The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It's on me!" The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shot's don't get the taste out of mouth, nothing will."

What do women and prawns have in common? Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great


A duck walks into the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill".

Dog limps into the bar with one foot all bandaged up and says, "I wanna see the man who shot my paw!"

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Gestapo Who?
(Interrupting) I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Eager Cow.
Eager Cow who....
(interrupt) MOOO!!!

Did you hear about the two peanuts who were walking down the road? One of them was A-Salted (assaulted)!

I was fired from the Orange Juice Plant last week. I just couldn't concentrate.

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband

A cowboy rides into town on a paper horse, is wearing a paper hat, he has paper guns, paper chaps, and he has paper boots on.
The sheriff sees him and immediately picks him up for rustling.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!"
She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds,"I don't care.Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

What does a tight rope walker and a man getting oral sex from a 90 year old woman gave in common?
Neither look down.

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Why are all men like toilets?
They’re engaged, vacant or full of crap.

It takes three words to destroy a man’s ego.

What’s invisible and smells of carrots?
Bunny farts.

Why do Polar Bears wear fur coats?
They’d look bloody silly in plastic Macs.

And scientifically
Proven by experts
That in fact nine out of
Ten people who begin to
Read this triangle, no matter how
Obvious it becomes that there is
Very little meaning and absolutely no
Point to it will carry on reading until they
Reach the inevitable and absolutely bitter end.


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